Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Where's my frozen snot, Ottawa? When you're second only to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, for the distinction of coldest capital in the world, and average 221.5 centimeters (87.2 inches) of snow every year, it's hard not to feel cheated when you end December with above-average temperatures and seemingly copious amounts of rain. I know you can't judge a winter from its first week, but the green Christmas and non-freezing weather are going a long way towards bumming me out. How am I supposed to suffer from seasonal affective disorder when there's a lack of anything seasonal?
Follow-up: Proof positive that Old Man Winter deserves a pink slip: snow in Las Vegas. Sigh.
Follow-up: A snowstorm in B.C.'s lower mainland? Now you're just rubbing it in, jerk.
Follow-up: Finally, a cold snap across much of eastern Canada, including an extreme cold weather alert in Toronto (for January 7-8, extended to January 10) and a frostbite warning in Ottawa (for January 8-9). Now it feels like winter. (Yes, I'm happy about the cold weather. No, I'm not happy about the homeless suffering as a result.)
Follow-up: Cold snap redux, anyone? When Environment Canada uses the phrases "hazardous frostbite conditions" and "extreme wind chill" -- -43 to -45 C (-45.4 to -49 F) -- in its January 14 afternoon forecast to describe the overnight and next-day conditions, I'd say that Ottawa has successfully answered my question. (Although, it begs another: is -43 C in January worse than -42 C in March?) And now to go for my walk...
posted by media_dystopia @ 06:53 [ link | top | home ]
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Merry Christmas! One question, though: where's the snow? "Bah!" said the weatherpeople. "Humbug!" And with that, Canadians got a green Christmas -- the meteorological equivalent of coal in our stocking. (At least the 401 was clear; aside from the assholes, that is.)
posted by media_dystopia @ 01:19 [ link | top | home ]
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Shouldn't that be a "HERO" tag? The ISAF's deputy commander, a Canadian general, has been FARKed. Whatever would we do without the folks at FARK.com and their asshat comments about Canada? (Starting with the asinine "UNLIKELY" tag and its reference to one sentence of a CBC article otherwise detailing the Canadian military's laudable efforts in Afghanistan.) Whatever it is, it would involve a whole lot less eye-rolling, head-shaking, and sighing on our part.
Nevertheless, thank you to our southern neighbors for the valiant, yet fruitless, attempt at intelligent discourse. Merry Christmas to you, too, FARKers.
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:54 [ link | top | home ]
A lifetime membership in the BSE club? Thanks, Santa! It was only a matter of time: a reported case of mad cow disease in the U.S. When the international community -- especially Japan, which honed its country-screwing abilities on Canada this year -- treats America as a beef-exporting pariah and attempts to decimate its cattle and associated industries, maybe its government and citizens will be humbled enough to understand what Canada has been through since May because of a single case of bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Maybe.
Follow-up: Notice the absence of a tit-for-tat, knee-jerk reaction from Canada? Talk about goodwill: only a partial ban on U.S. beef imports -- we should have been so lucky.
Follow-up: If all else fails, blame Canada. Industry-benefiting conjecture; incomplete investigation; no definitive (DNA) evidence; contradictory paperwork; tentative conclusion -- all the prerequisites for a post-Christmas, finger-pointing press conference. With friends like this, who needs enemies? (The U.S. government speaking or acting without proof -- how...uncharacteristic.)
Follow-up: Three days after Christmas, and the Ottawa Sun's front page and story headline say it all: "BLAME CANADA" and "A new beef with Canada; Canuck officials unconvinced as U.S. probe tracks mad cow hoofprints here." (I'm not sure whether to be impressed with the big, bold lettering, or the puns.)
Follow-up: As feared, DNA tests have confirmed -- two weeks after the fact -- that the infected cow came from Canada. Now you can hold your press conference, Uncle Sam. Just remember your ambassador's words: "We would be there for Canada, part of our family." (Not that they've meant anything thus far.)
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:39 [ link | top | home ]
What? I don't have a constitutional right to smoke pot for fun? Damn. And I've been losing sleep over it for years, too. Just the other day, in fact, I was bemoaning the lack of a bong clause in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Give me a break. The only thing that bothers me about today's Supreme Court decision is the possibility that Paul Martin will use it to back out of re-introducing legislation to decriminalize marijuana. (Hedging his bets, perhaps?)
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:24 [ link | top | home ]
Monday, December 22, 2003
The Return of the...(insert yawn here). Spectacular finale to the trilogy, my ass. The third movie did as much for me as its predecessors, which isn't saying much. I only saw it because someone paid for my ticket; I refused to given that a year from now, a complete version of the film will be released on DVD.
What really ticks me off, though, is that The Lord of the Rings geeks are in their element, enjoying a four-year wet dream -- theater releases; DVD releases; commercial tie-ins; advertising blitzkriegs; all LotR, all the time -- while, over two decades after the fact, Blade Runner fans are still blue-balling the release of Ridley Scott's work print, an extended edition, or anything else containing the unreleased footage detailed in Paul M. Sammon's Future Noir: The Making of Blade Runner. Sheesh.
And I'm not too impressed with the release rate of Doctor Who DVDs, either -- but I digress...
Follow-up: With all the sickly sweet superlatives in the "in theaters now" trailer -- the reviewers must have overdosed on saccharine pills before being quoted by New Line Cinema -- you'd think that filmmaking had reached its zenith with The Return of the King. I'm sorry, but I just don't see it; although well-made, the movie didn't make me swoon with joy, and it certainly isn't the be-all and end-all of Hollywood, no matter what the expensive marketing may suggest.
Follow-up: A caveat for those who take offense to my LotR-bashing (the greatest of all geek sins): you can't go around saying the series is the greatest thing since sliced bread and not expect folks on low-carb diets, à la Atkins, to object. (I'm not sure which is more perplexing to people reading this: my obscure food metaphor, or my oft-contrarian taste in movies.)
Follow-up: During the lead-up to the Oscars, advertising for the movie was laced with Los Angeles Times critic Kenneth Turan's gag-inducing words: "It took one ring to rule them all, and now there's one film to end it all, to bring to a close the cinematic epic of our time, the one by which all others will be judged." Spare me.
Follow-up: I'm not sure what's worse about the ads: flogging the movie a month after the Oscars, or saying that it's been "hailed by critics as the 'cinematic epic of our time'" when one guy said it. (Shovel, anyone?)
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:32 [ link | top | home ]
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Electoral punishment, à la 1993, will be the archetype. Sheila Copps and other die-hard liberals should be concerned about Paul Martin "carefully leaning to the right," as Clifford Krauss' December 20 editorial (registration required) in The New York Times put it. In fact, we need to remind our neophyte prime minister that "steering Canada cautiously to the right," as the op-ed's title suggested, risks alienating a lot of Canadians, myself included.
Many of us can be defined by our desire to avoid anything remotely approaching the right-wing, Christian-conservative oligarchy of the U.S. -- something the American newspaper should be more concerned about than Canada's seemingly burgeoning conservatism -- and to punish those who bring us closer to it. Being careful and cautious won't shield a right-shifting Paul Martin from our liberal wrath.
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:38 [ link | top | home ]
Saturday, December 20, 2003
I hope Santa finds me in the Toronto area. Negotiating the 401 reminds me that I need a bumper sticker: "What am I, your prison bitch? Stop riding my ass!" Almost as frustrating as the tailgating morons -- by all means, keep living under the delusion that winter doesn't affect braking distance -- are the left-lane hoggers who are oblivious to the fact that they're holding up a long line of trying-to-be-faster-moving traffic. Apparently, a steady stream of cars passing on the right isn't enough of a clue for these dolts.
Luckily, try as they may, these "drivers" -- licensed, yes; rules of the road, no -- didn't kill me on the way down.
Follow-up: If the return trip proved anything, it's that Americans love to take advantage of our lax approach to excessive speed -- no wonder I can read the serial numbers of their SUVs' headlights in my rear-view mirror -- and that "Je me souviens" is French for "Fuck you and your safety."
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:47 [ link | top | home ]
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Like watching a train wreck. Damn you, Old Navy. Damn you, your half-zips -- whatever they may be -- and your kitschy "Holiday Hotline" ad using Fran Drescher to flog them. And damn my inability to take my eyes off them -- again. I feel so ashamed.
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:32 [ link | top | home ]
Monday, December 15, 2003
The boots he licks better be Kodiaks. Given Paul Martin's feel-good phone call with President Bush today, perhaps I should update my warning to the now prime minister: renege on same-sex marriage -- yes, reneging includes civil unions (separate but equal doesn't cut it) -- and the decriminalization of marijuana, especially in an effort to kiss America's ass, and...well, the rest is the same. The U.S. has no business dictating legal proscription, much less social policy, to Canada.
Follow-up: If Paul Martin started applying Chapstick, would Irwin Cotler -- the Anti-Ashcroft if ever there was one -- be same-sex marriage's only hope? Would he also be decriminalization's Obi-Wan Kenobi (pardon the Star Wars reference), even though it's not a human rights issue? And would the idealistic justice minister have his leash yanked by his boss as a result? Interesting questions, all; however, given the option, I'd rather the prime minister not use the lip balm in the first place.
Follow-up: Three days later and the prime minister's year-end interviews offer a lot of hope for one issue, and a glimmer -- depending on how much you skew your interpretation -- for the other. (Hash brownies and Canadian sovereignty: music to my ears.)
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:17 [ link | top | home ]
I'm leaning towards the tribal reject. Between Saddam and Jon, the competition for asshole of the year is heating up.
posted by media_dystopia @ 05:25 [ link | top | home ]
Sunday, December 14, 2003
It's nice not to be ignored (redux). With this weekend's "Toronto: Hockey Clubhouse" episode, Canada is two for two on TLC's While You Were Out. I watched this afternoon's repeat broadcast -- location, location, location -- despite the show having jumped the shark when Teresa Strasser left.
posted by media_dystopia @ 14:03 [ link | top | home ]
His dealer is Harley Earl. I could have sworn that the elderly gentleman in the 1980-something Buick ahead of me this morning tossed a roach out the window. Maybe he has early stage glaucoma. (That last sentence was for the benefit of those who thought I was referring to the scampering kind.)
posted by media_dystopia @ 12:50 [ link | top | home ]
And the "DUMBASS" tag goes to... FARK.com, of course.
December 12: "HERO" tag for "P2P declared legal in Canada," linking to a CNET News.com article.
December 14: "ASININE" tag for "Canada to charge music royalties on MP3 players," linking to a Washington Post article.
Both mention the levy on MP3 players. So, which is it, idiots?
posted by media_dystopia @ 11:06 [ link | top | home ]
Maybe he'll have WMDs down his pants. There's a rumor that Saddam has been arrested in Iraq. The accuracy of the news notwithstanding, the RNC is hastily preparing the subsequent election ads. (Ousted tyrants and those not wishing to be have to stick together, you know.)
Follow-up: And so it begins: an hour later and we're deluged with breaking news and self-congratulatory back-patting. Jessica Lynch-style spin can't be too far off.
Follow-up: Another hour later and a blatant display of "professional detachment" at the press conference as reporters cheered and/or applauded upon hearing the official word: "Ladies and gentlemen, we got him." Might I suggest a refresher course in journalism? (Be sure to prick your ears when the phrase "appearance of objectivity" is mentioned.)
Follow-up: Does anyone else have visions of President Bush running out of the White House, falling to his knees on the South Lawn, raising his arms to the sky, and yelling, "Father, the sleeper has awakened!" as tears streak down his face? Just wondering.
Follow-up: How the news can be "breaking" seven hours after the fact, I'll never know. Any more of it and I'm going to look as haggard and Ted Kaczynski-like as Saddam before the U.S. army delousing unit -- they do haircuts and shaves, right? -- got a hold of him.
(Do four follow-ups qualify as stenoblogging? Damn, I hope not.)
posted by media_dystopia @ 05:20 [ link | top | home ]
Are you an unemployed neo-Nazi? I hear the Office québécois de la langue française is looking for brutish enforcers. Yes, the OLF: where common sense means nothing and minority rights mean even less. Where you, too, can ask the really important questions: "Votre console vidéo vous parle-t-elle français?" -- "Does your gaming console speak to you in French?"
By the way, as an anglophone and a former resident of Quebec -- emphasis on "former" -- I consider these cultural fundamentalists and their separatist brethren fair game. (For people who want nothing to do with Canada, they certainly do love Section 33 -- the dreaded notwithstanding clause -- of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, don't they?)
posted by media_dystopia @ 02:43 [ link | top | home ]
Friday, December 12, 2003
Who says bilingualism doesn't have its advantages? With all the live press conferences today, I've been flipping between CBC Newsworld and Réseau de l'information (RDI) to avoid listening to the simultaneous translation, such as it is.
In fact, after years of such parliamentary coverage, I've come to dread it when the translator's voice cuts in after a few seconds. I much prefer to hear the speaker's voice, unfettered, no matter how much the person may be mangling one of the official languages.
That's why I'm hoping that a close captioning system similar to the one used for the hearing impaired will eventually be applied to translation; it would be like the difference between a poorly dubbed movie and a well-subtitled one. Until and unless that happens, though, my only defense against my translator phobia -- would that be translatioglossophobia, or glossotranslatiophobia? -- is the channel-recall button on my remote control. (That and quick reflexes, of course.)
Follow-up: Speaking of bilingualism, someone should point out to the folks at FARK.com that statements like "Paul Martin sworn in as Canada's first English speaking PM in 10 years" are rather misleading. Yes, both his first language and his name are English. Yes, his predecessor's were French. However, as with every successful prime minister for the last 35 years, both Paul Martin and Jean Chrétien represent(ed) Quebec ridings and are bilingual. Granted, the latter was a lot more able to mangle the English language than the others during that time; still, he spoke English a whole lot better than many in Parliament, let alone the new cabinet, speak French.
Follow-up: There's nothing like the sound of pages being flipped, microphones being jostled, and other background noises being made to really make an involuntary simultaneous translation an ordeal. (By "involuntary," I mean that I wasn't able to flip from an English channel to a French one, and vice versa.) I'm sure that if I watched CPAC for a few hours, my phobia would develop into all-out translator rage.
posted by media_dystopia @ 14:56 [ link | top | home ]
So long, Jean. Prime Minister Paul Martin and his loyal cohorts have taken the reigns of the country. Ladies and gentlemen, don't fuck it up.
Follow-up: Or, as CNN put it: "Pro-American takes over as Canadian Prime Minister." And we all know what happens when CNN thinks you aren't towing the U.S. line. That probably explains why I've stopped watching it. (I'll rely on CBC, CTV, or some other Canadian network for my television news, thank you very much.)
posted by media_dystopia @ 10:44 [ link | top | home ]
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Any other Canadian taxpayers feel like demanding a refund? Say, about $190 million?
Not surprising: the U.S. penalizing countries that opposed the war in Iraq -- Canada, France, Germany, et al. -- by banning them from bidding on reconstruction contracts. (Incidentally, doesn't this make us...different?)
Surprising: the fact that there's a bidding process -- aren't all contracts awarded, untendered, to Halliburton and its subsidiaries?
Follow-up: AP's headline says it all: "Iraq Contract Decision Reopens Wounds." It feels like March all over again. Sigh.
posted by media_dystopia @ 07:11 [ link | top | home ]
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Masterbaiting is caused by willful blindness. It wouldn't be (insert day of the week here) unless rude, ignorant Americans were baiting Canadians on the Internet. It takes a real man to talk trash to, as they are wont to say, a "weaker" or "inferior" country, doesn't it? Lucky for them, most Canadians are just as much masters of timidity as Americans are slaves to arrogance.
I, however, am no longer in the mood to grin and bear it; whether that's because my tolerance level is dropping or my skin is thinning, either way, expect the trash to be talked back. (At least, until I get too pissed off.)
And no, I didn't spell it wrong. (I'm nothing if not punny when it comes to compound words.)
Follow-up: "What's with the recent anti-Americanism?"
If any of you are asking yourselves that, I want to make it clear that I'm not anti-American; I am, however, anti-American anti-Canadianism (for lack of a better description). I'm tired of getting frustrated with the state of cross-border affairs -- or, worse, lamenting the demise of the Canada-U.S. relationship -- while sitting on the sidelines. Putting the blinders on, biting my tongue, and suffering in silence hasn't accomplished anything; neither has playing the peacemaker in hopes of negotiating a truce with rational, even-tempered discourse.
Therefore, I'm feeling the need to jump into the melee and throw a few punches in defense of my country -- and defense it is, given all the derogatory drivel we have to put up with on a fairly regular basis. Although I'm contributing to the tit-for-tat rhetoric, putting my foot down and challenging a bully's vulgar assertions feels a whole lot better than suffering the indignity of obsequious tolerance.
Remember: "O Canada, we stand on guard for thee."
posted by media_dystopia @ 10:03 [ link | top | home ]
Monday, December 08, 2003
Just how bad do your farts have to be? I'm not sure which was funnier: watching the Breakfast Television crew discuss GasBGon's Flatulence Filter Seat Cushions on live television, or visiting the company's Web page and reading the line, "Jim's family can ride in the car with him again."
I learned at an early age that if you let a bad one rip in the backseat, your father will tell you to stick your ass out the window -- not an easy feat in a two-door Volvo with rear vent windows. The lesson? Only the driver is allowed to gas the car (pardon the pun). Aside from having to hold it -- praying to the almighty gods of odorless puffers doesn't always work, does it? -- while along for the ride, I agree with that policy.
As the person responsible for the care and control of the vehicle, the driver needs to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible, and pressure in the colon is anything but. Therefore, farts are a passenger's problem, not a driver's, and GasBGon should be marketing Flatulence Filter Face Masks -- "Filter the smell, muffle the whining." -- instead of Flatulence Filter Seat Cushions to people like Jim and his passengers.
posted by media_dystopia @ 22:15 [ link | top | home ]
Sunday, December 07, 2003
Time for a real diet, folks. I'd like to thank CTV News for tonight's hearty chuckle:
Even in pizza, which many might consider one of the healthier fast foods, you'd most likely ingest about 1 gram of trans fat in two slices -- most of it from vegetable shortening used to process the crust.
Who the hell thinks of pizza as one of the healthier fast foods? Here are some words for you delusional people: mozzarella, pepperoni, sausage, bacon, ground beef, ham, salami -- just to name a few potential toppings for the as-yet-not-pizza combination of tomato sauce and dough. (Isn't it amazing how toppings that aren't low in fat increase the chances of pizza not being low in trans fat?)
And I wouldn't go so far as to describe fresh-made pizza as fast; anyone who has sat staring out the front window waiting for the deliveryman to arrive knows that.
posted by media_dystopia @ 23:37 [ link | top | home ]
Brilliant, eh? That's Anglo-Canuck for "great."
My sports interests do not extend to soccer -- didn't like playing it, don't like watching it -- or to David Beckham (and the idolatry thereof), so I wasn't eager to see Bend It Like Beckham; that is, until recently. First, I found out that Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl stunner Keira Knightley was in the smash-hit British flick. Then I discovered that recent ER addition Parminder Nagra, another hottie, was also a Bend It Like Beckham alum.
By the time I saw the movie this weekend, I was actually looking forward to it. Luckily, it didn't disappoint: I loved it. As a slice of British life and an introduction to Sikhism, it was both engrossing and uplifting. In fact, being a sucker for romance -- don't tell anyone -- I found myself wishing for a sequel. (Could there be any higher praise?)
posted by media_dystopia @ 22:35 [ link | top | home ]
My kingdom for a prominent display location. Don't get me wrong, I love Canadian Tire just as much as the next patriotic Canuck. It's just that the products flogged by that cutesy couple aren't readily accessible to the buying public.
So far, I've bought two such widely advertised products -- yes, the corporate propaganda worked on me; don't rub it in -- and so far, I've done a lot of walking around the store, even after querying a red shirt. For some reason, I tend to gravitate towards the clueless ones -- hapless individuals who don't know, or care, about their employer's TV ads or Web page (the one that claims the item is in stock at that location).
To be fair, though, that sort of knowledge doesn't help when all 20-something units are stashed behind a counter, out of view, where none of the bewildered staff -- minus the keeper of the hoard, of course -- can locate them. Might I suggest a big-ass pile, with easy-to-see signs, just past the turnstile?
posted by media_dystopia @ 21:43 [ link | top | home ]
Dead man flogging. Is anyone else bothered by television commercials that feature dead spokespeople? Every time I see Gordon Jump playing the Maytag repairman or James Coburn playing the slots, I'm preoccupied by the fact that the actors are no longer with us.
It's even worse when the person dies of less-than-natural causes; for instance, ex-JAG star Trevor Goddard who, despite overdosing in June, continues to burst into a kitchen with a Hoover Floor Mate slung across his back, boasting, "I can clean that floor, mate."
Does the company think that a cheesy ad with a dirty kangaroo and a distraught housewife -- a come-down for a former cast member of a current network show, if you ask me -- is a good way of selling a product and/or honoring the actor's memory? Trust me, watching him plug a washing-and-drying vacuum from the grave is a lot more unsettling than seeing him in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl soon after his death.
posted by media_dystopia @ 19:11 [ link | top | home ]
Be still my heart. Canadian Olympic figure skating champion Jamie Salé appears semi-nude in next month's U.S. edition of FHM. Need I say more?
posted by media_dystopia @ 01:34 [ link | top | home ]
Saturday, December 06, 2003
Does your mom know you're a smacktard? The major drawback of multiplayer first-person shooters like Battlefield 1942 is having to play against, and alongside, players who feel the need to exploit, hack, spam, base camp, and/or team kill -- pardon the gaming lingo -- for their own amusement: fun at the expense of others tinged with arrogance and profanity.
They can't win, or achieve anything resembling a decent score, without resorting to cheats they wouldn't dare use while playing games in the real world (where opponents can throttle them). They also know that unless a server admin shows up to kick them, they can act with impunity. In short, these skill-less pussies ruin the game for those of us who have a sense of fair play and common decency.
Because of these people -- I use that word in the broadest sense possible -- Internet gaming can be very frustrating, not to mention proof positive that there's a statistically significant number of assholes everywhere you go in cyberspace. Problem is, these disgraceful gamers have no sense of shame -- they don't care one iota how the rest of us feel about them.
Welcome to the dregs of online gaming community.
posted by media_dystopia @ 07:40 [ link | top | home ]
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Respect for the Canadian passport, my ass. Haven't we expelled U.S. Ambassador Paul Cellucci yet? Isn't there a third country, preferably one that's keen on torture, that we can deport this rude prick to for "security" reasons? You know, just because his daughter married a Canadian, doesn't mean we have to put up with his perpetual condescension and hypocrisy.
Today proved that the longer he's posted to Fortress America in Ottawa, barricaded behind Sussex Drive-ruining security barriers -- the more of the ByWard Market within the blast radius, the better, eh? -- the more he reinforces my belief that the U.S. is the one country where, if admitted to, Canadians can't or shouldn't reveal their nationality (I certainly don't). I also see his "diplomatic" tenure as the archetype of American bullying by proxy.
Speaking of which, I haven't forgotten March 25. I haven't forgotten the deterioration of the Canada-U.S. relationship caused by his words. I haven't forgotten the line, "We would be there for Canada, part of our family." I haven't forgotten his familial absence during SARS, mad cow, forest fires, and everything else Canada has been through in 2003. I haven't forgotten any of it, which is why on New Year's Eve, as I'm saying "good riddance" to this crappy year, I'll be praying he's the next to go.
(Are vitriolic diatribes cathartic? Just wondering.)
Follow-up: Rarely is my point proven so effectively, so quickly -- an article entitled, "Canadian flag causes flap in the U.S. Maple Leaf on baggage irks 'sensitive' Americans," in the December 9 Ottawa Citizen (and tracked by Blogdex), quotes a seemingly typical American as saying:
What bugs me about Canadians, if I may, is that they wear that damn patch on their bags, the Canadian flag patch. That way, they differentiate themselves from us.
First of all, we are different from you. If we weren't, we wouldn't have to put up with all the verbal diarrhea, now would we? (Differences tend to promote that kind of thing, you know.)
Secondly, you're a hypocrite for bashing our patriotism, timid as it is -- a Maple Leaf on a suitcase...that's it? -- given that your country is the archetype of rabid jingoism. What's next? Reporting us to Darth Ridge's minions for using small, black, laminated booklets emblazoned with the Canadian coat of arms? ("I don't care that it's a passport -- it's offensive!") Let's face it, if you're honestly unaware of the Stars and Stripes' dominance on the flag scene, then you're a blithering idiot.
Maple Leaf-offended Americans: what an asinine concept. All I can say is, "boo-fucking-hoo."
posted by media_dystopia @ 18:32 [ link | top | home ]
Scam scum. With the U.K. Office of Fair Trading warning consumers against the "Canadian lottery" phone scam -- and the negative light Canada is being portrayed in as a result -- I think it's only fair that the Canadian government extradite these greedy, soulless, low-life criminals to Britain where they can be prosecuted to the full extent of the victim country's law. Hope springs eternal that each convicted scam artist is assigned a cell mate whose elderly mother lost her life savings to the fraud.
posted by media_dystopia @ 10:09 [ link | top | home ]
The definition of "Red Green":
verb To repair, secure, or bodge (as the Brits would say) with duct tape, usually temporarily. From the title character of The Red Green Show, a rural Canuck who calls the silvery adhesive tape "the handyman's secret weapon" and uses it to excess. Example: "The latch broke so I had to Red Green the hood."
noun A job involving copious amounts of duct tape. Example: "I pulled a Red Green -- I used three rolls."
I wanted to refine the definition here before submitting it to UrbanDictionary.com. It's hardly original, I know, and every country or region has its own version; still, it's synonymous with Canada -- if I used the aforementioned examples, most people I know would understand me -- and it would be nice to see it included in a Web-based, user-defined dictionary. Eventually, I want to see it in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. (I can dream, can't I?)
posted by media_dystopia @ 06:06 [ link | top | home ]
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Speaking of assholes... David E. Bernstein is an idiot: a link to a commentary and my opinion of its author, combined for the benefit of Blogdex.
Let's face it, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency shouldn't be stopping homosexual material at the border -- it should be stopping him. With any luck, our agents will also intercept his conservative friends, including Jonah "Bomb Canada" Goldberg. Speaking of whom, he and Bernstein will have lots of Canuck-bashing to discuss at the National Review Christmas party. (Don't choke on the hors d'oeuvres, guys -- you wouldn't want to give us an early present.)
When it comes to human rights and civil liberties, to name but a few, I'm grateful to be living in Canada rather than the U.S. (This is where I cough and spuriously mention the USA PATRIOT Act.) Besides, even if those freedoms are mutually exclusive, it's for Canadians to ponder -- and, if necessary, lament -- not for Americans, much less conservatives, to whine about from afar.
And I thought they were arrogant hypocrites on message boards. Sheesh.
Follow-up: For the sheep in the audience: just because a professor -- a word I'm loath to use in this case, as it implies a degree of erudition -- with a propensity for hyperbole is given a forum in a right-wing, anti-liberal rag to rant about the evils of hate-speech legislation in another country, doesn't mean that statements like "The Canadian thought police are on the march. Hopefully, it is not too late to stop them." should be lent any credence. I have two words for David E. Bernstein: pot, kettle; deal with the ills of your own Hestononian "from my cold dead hands" system of rights and freedoms -- and their antithetical accordance post-9-11 -- before poking your finger in our legal eye, you supercilious prick. Our country, our system, our purview, so fuck off.
Follow-up: "When it comes to human rights and civil liberties, to name but a few, I'm grateful to be living in Canada rather than the U.S." -- I'd like to think of that as some prescience on my part, given Irwin Cotler's appointment as Minister of Justice and Attorney General nine days later. Look up the word "antithesis" in John Ashcroft's dictionary, and you'll see Cotler's picture.
posted by media_dystopia @ 19:25 [ link | top | home ]